#yeah they may have been badly written and cliche and just copy and pastes of one another

[area51-escapee]

I LOVE CREEPYPASTAS SO MUCH yes even the Bad ones. Like yeah that story was written like shit I don’t mean to be an asshole but. It was. It was no literary masterpiece by any means. But it was still a very formative piece of my middle school years.

[sabrinaleethings]

Long Story Short - I Suck. [And Here’s Why]

[As a quick, quick synopsis : I did something I told myself I would NEVER ever do and as a result my progress and in essence my entire life kind-of flew away from me. If you don’t really care or are unbothered by the very long-winded and obnoxious post that shall follow, feel free to stop reading here! Just wanted to say hello, hi. I am back, and back with a vengeance.] 

Okay, so here we go with explanations and an awful (and slightly therapeutic) run down of Sabrina’s life these past few months.

[a/n: Cringe warning. Lots of cliches and run-on sentences that make zero sense and may make you scratch your head and say “whaaa?” ... you have been warned.] 

For those of you who don’t know, or need a refresher for because ha, yeah I haven’t been active online in MONTHS: 

My name is Sabrina Lee. I’m a freshly turned 22 year old who’s currently working on her first novel. 

I started blogging (this one specifically) I’d like to say back in... September/November? And let me tell you, the fire that was underneath my a$$ during this time was a flaming-hot inferno stemmed from the deepest pits of hell. 

The amount of energy and time I dedicated to writing, drawing, thinking, and breathing this story at first can border on realm of an unhealthy obsession mixed with a dash of pure excitement. I lived off of pure adrenaline for this bright and new shining world that began opening up for me.

Real talk time: (as if the rest of this won’t be raw and real too), I admittedly have a naturally addictive personality. I also am someone who doesn’t cope well with changes, or sudden shifts in my usual habits or every day life. So? So...

When I first began writing, I was so energized at the thought of being able to create and share. I’d post updates constantly as I wrote more and more (and more and more...)  and I’d receive nothing but support and positive feedback in return. (No joke, thank you to anyone who’s sent me words of encouragement or small snippets of love.) I became addicted to the feeling of writing, and then sharing everything and anything I could on this project.

During the first few weeks and even into months I was busting out thousands of words a day. My greatest day hitting about 3500 words. I’d even done a couple of paintings for concept ideas inbetween. 

It was the greatest thing ever. To feel like this novel was something so possible, so tangible. I pushed myself more and more and more, I wanted to be finished by the end of December with my first rough copy. (Spoiler: I failed.) 

I was stuck on such a high of this new and exciting chapter in my life, I was doing something I so badly wanted to do. Something I’d always dreamed of doing.

Sooner or later though, gravity here on earth conquers and I began feeling myself grow heavier and heavier. The high and weightlessness I felt when I first started writing began to fade as I found the words harder and harder to produce.

I got frustrated, and I gave up after a couple of months. I had failed. 

Granted, let’s put this in retrospect to the environment I was in.

Up until the end of January, I was working full-time at a retail job. (Albeit a bookstore of all things...) And with the holiday (Christmas/New Years) season quickly approaching, I found myself working between forty and fifty hours a week (thank-you last minute holiday shoppers!). 

SO. With working full time and already feeling slightly discouraged about this project, I began forcing myself to write. (Here’s where the addictive traits kick in). I wasn’t having fun anymore, I wasn’t sleeping (thanks retail) but I was still sitting myself down at my computer at 11, 12:00, 1:00am to write words that didn’t carry any meaning. I was totally burned out. The flame and drive in me snuffed. 

I was addicted to creating and escaping reality so much, I let my mental health and physical health diminish..

It got to the point where I was too tired to work, to tired to write, and so I put this project down to be worked on at a later date.

Silly Sabrina didn’t realize she wouldn’t be working on it again until five months later.

Fast forward to February. By this time, financial instability was something that had taken the spotlight in my life, so I picked up a second job. And I hadn’t thought twice about continuing the story - I had no time to think about anything other than wake up, work, work at the second store, go home to sleep, and do it again. 

Two and a half solid months disappeared without me even realizing it. 

I got so caught up in the present moment, I never gave a glance at the future. My future.

Mid-February and early March I had the itch in my bones to write again. To create.

During this time, I slowly stole whatever free moments I had to escape into the world of Detroit: Become Human.  It was the first fandom in a very long time I had been able to escape into, and as such I found myself writing fanfiction for it. Thousands and thousands of words began accumulating for short stories I had been writing for this game. 

I kept telling myself that everything I had written for this fandom, all of the short fiction pieces I wrote, was practice for when I finally found the energy and time to write my book again. 

I believe, that with moderation and time management skills that I clearly lack, this was a great idea.

I think it still could have been a great idea- if executed properly.

I had begun writing close to two thousand words a day for a fanfiction I was creating, and my dumbass, like the first time, found myself burning out.

I love writing. Loved writing so much, that I would do it whenever I could. Even if it meant staying up all night to finish a chapter for Detroit, or using time at work to finish writing down an idea I had.

I’d get these random bursts of energy and inspiration to write, and I’d use 1000% of whatever energy I could to create. Not good, not good.

Fast forward a bit more to now.

It’s the first week in May, and I haven’t written a new sentence in my book since the end of December. 

I would say I failed. But in all honesty, I haven’t quite failed. Not just yet. I refuse to believe it.

This is a second chance.

Last month between both jobs, I was working between 10 and 12 hours a day, seven days a week. There was a solid thirty-one, 31 days I went straight without a full day off. 

Times have changed. (Thank the Gods).

Toward the end of February I met someone special, and that someone just so happens now to be one of my biggest fans, and someone who’s taught me that it’s totally okay to take time for you to love, and take care of your own self.

I’ve finally relaxed into the idea that this, what I’m doing now, and what I will be doing in the future, is all okay.

One of the biggest fears I had, was that all of the work I had put into my book, was a waste of time. That in the end, the time invested wouldn’t have been justifiable.

Now? Now I’m comfortable with allowing myself to look to the future. 

I’ve finally given myself the breathing room and self-love I’d needed to fully envision the future I want and crave. 

And that’s to be an author of Trysten, Callum, and Samson’s narrative.

I finally have time again to dedicate to working a little bit at a time toward finishing this project.

I finally now know my limits, and how to keep myself from burning out so quickly.

I’m just... so excited to feel like I’m back to the old me I used to be. Just wiser and now not as stressed. 

The flame has returned for this story. I know in my heart that writing is something I will do. Being and author and creator is who I am. 

I can’t imagine a future where I didn’t get this freaking story written.

So long story short,

I had failed. I had failed myself, but that’s okay. Learning and growing is what we do as human beings. It just takes some people a little big longer.

Hello again friends, 

It has been a while.

I am back.

I love you all.

-Sabrina Lee